Capricorn moon, cheesecake and offending old men
Indulgence
It’s not a concept I grew up with. It’s something I learned later on in life. As children, we never got spoiled, unlike our classmates or friends from around town. Don’t get me wrong, I had everything I needed, the basics were simply enough and everything else was seen as extravagant.
At one point, I had to learn how to treat myself, how to allow myself to do things purely for the pleasure of doing them; no guilt whatsoever. It wasn’t even that long ago that I realised life isn’t just about your academic career or achievements but about the little things. About the moments you can spend with people that bring a smile to your face, no matter what it is you're doing. Just like I didn’t grow up with the concept of indulgence, neither was I taught that success will determine my value. Instead, I learned how to give society just enough of what it expects of me to not chew me up and spit me out. I’m lucky to have parents who didn’t push their own goals or wishes onto me. I experience a lot of freedom in my life; in my way of thinking, my career, my lifestyle. At least if I, myself, don’t put this pressure on me. Aaah, the perfect opportunity for depression and anxiety to lurk around the corner!
‘Omg you’re such a virgo’
I guess things changed once the school system interrupted my previously carefree life. Although, I believe this was just the perfect opportunity for my annoyingly driven Capricorn moon energy to have its time to shine. Something for her to sink her teeth into and put some unrealistic expectations on myself. This game of winning and losing really didn’t come to a stop until the post-pandemic realisations of how precious sharing everyday joy is.
Has anyone ever read their birth chart by the way? Being in Turkey for too long just forces you to get into astrology since everyone here is. People ask me “What’s your sign? ”before asking my name. I won’t bother you with some spiritual plea, but I do advise you to hop on the trend and just look into it. It’s another way of self-discovery, just like therapy, meditation, tarot reading... Whether you believe in it or not, it makes you think about who you are and your actions.
Apparently, from what I’ve read, I thrive on this never-ending flow of activities. Capricorn moons get their satisfaction through their accomplishments. I still fall into the trap of trying to balance everything at once all the time. Sure, I’ll go to university, cook a full dinner, call my mom, finish my essay and go to some open mic all in one day. Burn-out incoming. Je sais, Je sais. I go crazy if I’m not doing something all the time. Busy schedules make me hornier than anything yet I end up procrastinating and running after myself constantly. In the last few years I’m always balancing between two extremes: either being highly productive and letting myself be lazy, and wanting to be in the spotlight and shying away as far as possible, or being up to no good whilst also craving some wholesomeness. Pretty sure I’ll find some explanation for this in my chart, I’ll keep you updated.
Pleasure and pain
Sometimes you really need to sit back and realise how happy you are in the moment. Hedonism* might have just become my life philosophy of choice. Depriving yourself of the simplest joys is such a waste of time.
I force myself to wake up every day and at least have one thing to look forward to, I don’t care if it might sound stupid to other people. Make a damn list of the silly things you want to do, alone or with someone else that would make your inner child happy. Or try to make the most mundane things fun. You don’t want to know how many times cleaning my bathroom while jamming to my favourite Dua Lipa album was the highlight of my day.
Not everything you do has to have a rational explanation. “I do this because it feels good, because I get pleasure out of it”. Hearing this has made me look back on my own actions. Why do I do things? Am I getting any pleasure out of my daily activities? Especially since living in a different country, where the normal flow of your life is completely interrupted. People of Mediterranean cultures tend to live their lives with an attraction towards pleasure. Being away from capitalist culture for a while has sucked me up in the flow of instant feel-good actions. The thing is, I have no plan here, no expectations or no specific goals that I set out for myself. For once, it feels freeing to have time for self-development, self-expression and joy.
Let them eat cake
I’ve been trying to find the best cheesecake in town for months now. Each time I try a new one, I really take time to indulge in all the flavours and textures. When the bite just melts on your tongue with zero effort. Perfection.
Do you want to know the worst feeling ever? When you feel like you’re on the backseat, just watching your life pass by instead of living it. When you feel so numb you can’t even taste how damn fucking good the cheesecake you’re eating is. Guess it makes me appreciate my 46th San Sebastian even more, having gone through this.
Indulgence is not something they teach you in school. Pleasure was a hard thing to grasp for me, not realising it’s partly made up by our own actions and mindset. One that you can easily trigger if you let yourself. If you have a hard time living your indulgent life here are a few of my favourite practices so far:
Smoke cigarettes on the bed, preferably naked. Trust me, it will make you feel the most French you’ve ever felt.
Eat all the possible desserts in your neighbourhood and list them from best to worst.
Put on your headphones, skip down the street in your fishnets, offend some bitter old men but live your main-character moment.
Spontaneous dancing with friends in your local bar on a random Thursday night. Make everyone wish they were giving as little fucks as you are.
Watch as many movies as you can in one day, only leave your room to open the door for your uber eats package.
Practise your terrible voguing moves until sweat is running down your chin.
Pet all the dogs you meet on your morning walk.
Steal the posters from every event you go to in a week.
Daily dose of weirdness
Another form of indulgence I’ve been practising has been through embracing every weirdness I encounter. No better place to do this than in a city like Istanbul. Where there’s huge dogs keeping guard over the city at night and cats jumping at you from every corner. Walking down the pier of the Anatolian side, you see a perfect collection of strangeness. Women selling a collection of colourful flowers, the smell of roasted chestnuts fills your nose, some protestors shouting, a band playing some traditional music all the while some lovey-dovey couples are entering a ferry to get to a different continent.
The funniest thing is, after a while I started looking at scenes like this as a new normality. Now I even embrace the weirdness and see it in the mundane things of Istanbul life. Just the other week, my roommate and I (finally) got our resident permit fixed. After a few months of living, studying and working here we might as well be here legally, we figured. The most stressful day of our adventure here so far, all of a sudden got super light because of a taxi driver. The man probably spent a good half an hour proudly showing us his holiday family pictures; his daughter at the beach, him posing with all the fish he was about to eat, romantic selfies with his wife… “çok güzel, çok güzel!”, was about all we could answer while laughing.
A beautiful sunset in the background made this whole scenery even more absurd, yet aesthetically pleasing. Of course, the taxi driver took some pics for his collection. I’m sure his next passengers will have the honour of seeing them. It’s the daily dose of weirdness like this that gets me through the ride of life!
*The word 'hedonism' comes from the ancient Greek for 'pleasure'. Psychological or motivational hedonism claims that only pleasure or pain motivates us.
