new lock, new keys, new moon

I'm not good at goodbyes. I leave cities in the middle of the night, like a ghost, and then lock myself up for days. It took me a while to step foot outside again in Belgium, to unpack my suitcase or to finish this blogpost I started months ago. I’m a procrastinator at heart but this time it wasn’t like that. I simply had a hard time processing my feelings, putting them into words, all while dealing with moving back, trying to graduate and living through an unoriginal identity crisis.

But here we are, finally. 

As my last month in Istanbul is finishing up, it's time for me to write my final blogpost about my time here. Writing this means my time here is running out, which is a bitter pill to swallow. As much as it saddens me to leave this city and its people. I’m also excited for the next chapter with lots of exciting opportunities. Being back home for a while and seeing all the cute familiar faces that I missed dearly.

I’m grateful for the crazy adventure Istanbul was. Thinking about it, it’s pretty weird a seemingly random place I decided on last year, now holds so many memories to me. When I left 6 months ago, I really felt like I had to get out for a while. We all can get the feeling we’re stuck in our way of living or thought patterns. Even though I was pretty happy and comfortable with my life in Belgium, I needed something new, something exciting. With not many things keeping me from going, I grabbed the chance when I had it.

The good, the bad, the ugly

As someone who never had a plan, not even a “pla”, in my life, I always thought I could move wherever, roam around freely, live from love or the savings of whatever mediocre job gets thrown my way. As you might have noticed, I love to romanticize my life to make it a bit more bearable. But actually doing it, packing your bags and moving to another country was more daunting than I thought. 

Besides all the enrichment, crazy stories and absolute bliss this journey gave me, things have not always been easy. I jumped into it head first, not thinking it through too much. Somehow, I weirdly felt comfortable quickly, knew my way around pretty fast and even passed for a local to some. Yet, I never really stopped feeling like an outsider, observing the people and their habits. Then again, I’m probably like this anywhere I go, all the time. 

It’s hard being away from friends and family, getting used to a different culture with their own habits and quirks, while not understanding a language. At least for a while, that place really does become a home. It’s your job to make it a cozy and welcoming one. 

A damn ride

I only realized how crazy the past 5 months really were until I came back home. My friends even demanded a full PowerPoint presentation to fill them in. You ask, I deliver. It’s been a damn ride Istanbul. I’ve had some magical moments, some pretty terrible ones, some lonely ones and some filled with love and laughter. 

I still remember arriving in my neighbourhood, at 12 pm, loaded with a heavy suitcase, no internet, no sleep and struggling to find my apartment. The first night pretty much set the tone for the rest of the semester. Exciting, sweaty and pure chaos. I got to live with two amazing people. Taking a gamble on who you’re going to live with is always a risk but turns out, our flat collected the most badass girls in town. One of them is kicking ass in a worldwide cocktail competition. The other one is the the most badass taekwondo rockstar I know. 

Both of them got me through some of the harder days here. From getting overwhelmed by the big city, uni or just life, a simple movie night with them would recharge the three of us instantly. We were able to see the humor in every situation, which is something you have to be able to do when living abroad. Not taking ourselves too seriously became a weapon of choice.

My first month was intense. Going out a lot more than I usually do, meeting new people,… the summer just never seemed to end. My body thanked me for the overdose of vitamin D I got (and hated me for the overdose of beer). Everyday became a funny collection of happenings. From getting on a motorcycle slightly drunk, ending up in a crowd of people dancing or crossing the Bosporus for the first time at night. Highly recommend the last one, never gets old.

It’s funny how my last month here almost felt exactly like the first one, although now, I feel a bit more local rather than a tourist. I’ve found the cute cafés, I know where to get the best food, and might've even found the best parties too. The thing is, you still see a place in a completely different light than people who’ve lived there their whole lives. You don’t see the little frustrations, you don’t even understand what people say most of the time. A privileged and carefree way of living, especially in Turkey.

When abroad you’ll spontaneously meet a lot of people and make friends quickly. Everywhere from a radio station, a cocktail bar to a pole dancing class. You have to, it’s a surviving mechanism. Sometimes they show you a completely different way of living, putting your own into perspective. As per usual, your last weeks will be your best. As if running out of time makes you enjoy every little thing more. Connections get deeper, it starts to feel like home, like you could just stay there forever.

I truly believe that I was meant to meet all the people I’ve met, go through all of the stages of living here, feel all the feelings and learn all the lessons. I’m sure you’ve heard people say that visiting new places makes you discover new parts of yourself. I like to see it as if I’m scattered around hidden corners of the world and it’s my job to find the bits and pieces. The fun little scavenger’s hunt we call life.

You’ll get lonely at times, sure. You’ll question your motives why you even left your comfort zone in the first place. The loneliness when being abroad is still not talked about enough. It’s a natural part of leaving home. The only difference is, you can’t just call every number in your phone to hang out. Yet being in a city this lively never made me truly feel that way. If anything, you get more independent than ever. If you can survive in Istanbul, you can pretty much do so everywhere.

Returning

When you’re in a new place, a lot of self-development happens, knowing what you want and what you don’t want. The city made me realize it doesn’t really make sense to pretend…ever. Take me for what I am or leave me.

For a while I was scared I might lose this version of myself. The one who’s careless, positive, curious and happy. As if not being in the place that cultivated it, would take all those traits away. But in fact, they were there all along, just needed the right time and place to come out. 

I didn’t have to think about being anyone else than myself at this moment. Had nothing to prove. Just wanted to spend every moment enjoying it.

A slight identity crisis after an erasmus experience might occur. Picking up your life where you left it might be hard. You can tell some stories, show some pictures,.. but they won’t know how you felt there, how it changed you.

Although I might never be the same again, this version of me now will change and grow into the person I’ll be tomorrow. Taking all the experiences and lessons with me and building a new story on top of it. My roommate once told me as we were changing the locks “new lock, new keys, new moon”, a piece of wisdom I’ll never forget. Sometimes you have to mess everything up to start all over again. But I guess I’ll always carry a bit of Istanbul with me, wherever I go.

The only appropriate way I could end my Istanbul saga is with this track made by dj, producer and Digital Ivan. I had the pleasure of dancing to his unmatched tunes several nights during my time there.

We shared many conversations about the concept of home, travelling and finding inspiration from new places and people. After reading my blog he got inspired himself.
Thank you Ivan for bringing a whole semester to life in one track and brining a smile to my face everytime I listen to it.

As I said, I’m not good at goodbyes. So let’s not make it one…

Until next time, Istanbul